New Year resolutions are as American as apple pie. We all make them. We all break them. Here are 9 resolutions that just may be do-able - especially so if you plant your tongue firmly in cheek. Enjoy!
Eat more fruits and vegetables. Studies from the American Heart Association show that a diet high in fruits and vegetables may result in a higher ingestion of fruits and vegetables. This, I'm assuming, is probably a good thing. Unless, of course, you happen to be a carrot or a pineapple. (Or heaven forbid, a tomato. At which point you may lose out on both counts.)
Never order anything off the menu that says "Big Ass." Restaurant menu options that use the qualifier "Big Ass" are, in all probability, not good choices for a healthy lifestyle. This includes popular crowd-pleasing items such as Hardee's "Big Ass Bacon Swiss Mushroom Burger," Pizza Hut's "Big Ass Meat Lovers Three Cheese Pizza," Chili's "Big Ass Bottomless Bowl of Twice-Fried Wings," and Le Bernardin's "Big Ass Caviar-Wagyu with Black Pepper-Vodka Crème Frâiche and Pomme Gaufrette."
Do not wear raw meat. Even though Lady Gaga pulled it off at this year's MTV Video Awards, wearing raw meat as a fashion statement is not going to win over many fans. Unless, of course, you are courting the canine constituency of industry voters. I haven't seen so many Dobermans hovering around an awards show since Gary Coleman wore that fire hydrant outfit to the Golden Globes back in '97. (Memo to self: Return the pepperoni socks that you bought yourself for Christmas from Don's Fresh Meats and Western Haberdashery.)
Buy organic. A recent article in the National Journal of Health suggests that those who eat organically tend to live not only healthier lives but happier ones as well. Therefore, they strongly recommend that we should all be more organic. No, wait. I thought that said orgasmic. Never mind.
Cut back on salt. Yes, I know you love salt; we all do. But as you get older you will need to cut back. So for goodness sake, regardless of how strong the urge is, try to refrain from getting down on your hands and knees and licking the salt off the sidewalks this winter.
Buy local. Hopping in the old sedan and driving out to Omaha to pick up some nice rib eyes, or across country to Salinas Valley to pick up a couple of heads of lettuce is not only time intensive, but with the cost of gasoline topping $3 a gallon, may not be economically feasible at this time. You should buy all of these items down the road at Costco.
Eat more garlic. A 2009 study by the Lucy Berkoff Medical Foundation shows that people who eat one to two heads of garlic every day have a lower incidence of cancer and heart disease. This study also shows that these same people are usually forced to sit by themselves in most social situations. Since my twisted sense of humor usually forces me to sit by myself in most social situations anyway, this one is a no-brainer.
Save the bones for Henry Jones 'cuz Henry don't eat no meat. I learned this little ditty growing up outside New York City in the early 60's. It was sound wisdom then. It is sound wisdom now. I mean, what else are you planning to do with your leftover bones?
Drink more water. The Mayo Clinic suggests that we strive to drink at least 6 eight-ounce glasses of water each day for optimal health. The International Scotch-Whiskey Society suggests that we strive to mix that water with a decent scotch for optimal taste.
Here's hoping that you have a happy and healthy New Year!