Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Diets I Have Tried That Really Do Work

One of the major traditions of every New Year is our penchant to lose weight, and hence, our adoption of the latest 'fad' diet.

Real Simple magazine recently posted a list of diets that are not only ineffective, but may just be hazardous to our health ( http://bit.ly/zYdPT2). For instance, the Breatharian Diet, which insists that we get all of our sustenance through the simple act of breathing.

While I thought  this article beneficial, I felt that the world has had enough of 'diets that won't work'. So I thought that I'd share a list of diets I've tried that actually do work.

Bon appetit!

The Informatio Diet.  Unlike the Breatharian Diet above, on this diet one thrives on ideas. I've been on this diet since kindergarten. And here's the funny thing: even though my brain has gotten bigger, I haven't gained that much weight. Perhaps if we all focused more on our minds and less on our stomachs, we might be better off. Hey...it's just an idea...

The Don't Eat Anything You Can Eat While Driving Diet. Good meals are meant to be eaten while sitting down, but not while sitting down behind the wheel of a car. If we can eat something while weaving in and out of traffic, we might do well to pass on it.

The Don't Eat Anything You Can Eat While Taking a Dump Diet. For those of us who could not grasp the concept of The Don't Eat Anything You Can Eat While Driving Diet. Perhaps this diet will drive the principle home.

The Only Drink on Days that End in "Y" Diet. Studies show that alcohol consumption provides empty calories. So if one wants to lose weight, one should limit their alcohol intake. This is why I only drink on days that end in the letter  "Y". I perfected this one back when I figured out how to use a corkscrew. What can I say? I'm Irish.

The Miss Piggy Diet (or The Don't Eat Anything You Can't Lift Diet). I thought this would be a no-brainer until I saw a semi-truck hauling cattle sideswipe a tour bus hauling folks to Graceland. The semi then careened into a bridge abutment and burst into flames. As I pulled to the shoulder, 52 tourists in Bermuda shorts and flowery sundresses spilled out of the bus and converged on the burning cattle car. I watched in amazement as they dragged whole sides of beef into the median and had themselves one hell of a picnic.

The If You Cannot Pronounce It, Don't Eat It Diet. The next time you are tempted to pick up a prepackaged convenience meal at the grocery store, read the ingredients. If you find something listed that you cannot pronounce, don't eat it.

The Sounds Like a High School Chemistry Class Assignment Diet. And if you find an ingredient that sounds like it came out of your high school chemistry textbook, pass on it. (See above.)

The Grocery Store Perimeter Diet. First popularized by Michael Pollan and plagiarized by yours truly, this diet consists of eating only those things found on the perimeter aisles of the grocery store (along with the occasional foray down the frozen food aisle to snatch up some plain frozen veggies).

The If Paula Dean Made It, Screw It Diet. Okay, although I was not born in the South, I now live in the South. And I love a lot of southern cooking. But one must draw the line. So let's draw it here. Hey, it's a start.

The Fuppie Diet. Back in the 80's, the word Yuppie was coined to denote that cultural phenomena known as Young Urban Professionals. Soon after, the word Buppie was coined, denoting Black Urban Professionals. That's when I decided the world needed more Fuppies. Folks like me who just don't give a fup. Especially when it comes to fad diets. Who's with me?

28 comments:

  1. Ha, I'm totally with you on the "If you can't pronounce it..." and "...High School Chemistry class..." You got it!

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    1. @Amanda. Love it! Now...where's that corkscrew? I think this calls for a drink, lol.

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  2. "Folks like me who just don't give a fup." Thanks for that, I just busted out laughing!

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    1. @Sarah. Thanks!!! And welcome to the club, lol

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  3. I'm definitely in the fuppie diet VIP membership program. I'll eat anything even if I can't pronounce it.

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    1. @Red_Shallot. Then I will add you to the VIP list. And hey, if you promise to bring along some of that gorgeous looking Gumbo, I will send a limo to pick you up! LOL.

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    2. I'll bring a huge pot with me. It's only 5000 calories per serving, but at least we can pronounce it, right?

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    3. @Red_Shallot. LOL!!! Hey, and take a peek outside, the limo's waiting!

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  4. Proud to be a FUP!!! Gimme five!!! Oh what the fup.

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    1. @ping. Whoo-hoo! But hey, why should I stop at five. Here's six! No...eight! No...eleventy-six! LOL!

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  5. I just cannot wrap my brain around an Irishman that has a use for a corkscrew. Since when does Guinness or Jameson come in a bottle that has a cork? And I'm definitely a fan of Michael Pollan..but thanks to my own Irish roots and a son that brews, that diet doesn't appear to be working.

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    1. Too funny, Lisa! You are so right about the Guinness and Jamesons. I was thinking about wine...I know...a foreign beverage to a true Irishman, but a nice Cab does go well with Steak au Poivre. :-)

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  6. hahaha this entire post is hilarious!(Linking back to this on my blog this morning because more people need to read this). Glad I found your blog through foodbuzz. And I understand the alcohol thing, my grandmother was from Ireland.

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    1. Thanks for dropping by and sharing the link, Laura. Hope you have a wonderful day!

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  7. I have been on the Fuppie diet for many years now and enjoy all Fup foods, especially when followed by a glass (or bottle) of red wine! I have amended the "drink on days ending with Y" diet to include the drink at any time that ends in "o'clock" diet! Thanks for the morning laugh, I am enjoying your blog!

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    1. Love it! I think I'll have to amend that diet for next year. Keep those brilliant ideas coming, Becky! :-D

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  8. Oh very funny Warren, I went to a pizza place today and had a damn salad (hold the fupping dressing.) I just bought an ice cream maker but have resolved to use it for only sorbet and 'FroYo' (whatever the hell that is? I just heard it's fat free..) So you see what I do, I tease myself. My inner voice saying 'Go on, go to a pizza joint, but only eat salad, fatty', and 'Treat yourself to an ice cream maker, you've wanted one for ages, but put any cream near it, and you will get larg(er) legs and buttocks'. I think some people could do with my inner voice, (or maybe it being said out loud 'hactually'). That, or perhaps my other vice: running. Anyway, I'll just quietly finish my rant, and step off my little speech-like soap box now before it breaks under the strain. Ha! Ha! :o)

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    1. @ Kooky Girl. No...this is so funny! Fro-yo? What the?!! Pizza joints?!! Now I'm busting a gut. lol. Anyway, jump up on that soapbox any time. I love your rants!

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  9. This was a fupping funny post! Gave me a good giggle first thing in the morning!

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    1. @ Juls. Thanks! More fupping funny posts to come. LOL

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    1. @ Just for Cooking. Thanks Mary Kay! Always good to see you drop by. Especially if you bring some of that chicken! LOL

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    1. @Emily. Thanks, Emily. And someday we will have to trade chickpea recipes! :-D

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  12. Haha this made me laugh. I kind of hate the word diet, but I could get behind these!

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    1. @Charlotte. I, too, am not much of a fan of the word "diet" either (any word that has "die" as the main component is one to be shunned in my book...). :-D Anyway, thanks for stopping by - I'll have another post up after all the hoopla for the game subsides. Take care!

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  13. Hah, :) you made me laugh, love it. Thanking the gods Im still breastfeeding so even if I would have the time and clear head to worry about those silly things I simply can't diet. Wishing you all the best! Warm Regards!

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    1. Thanks! Glad this brought some laffs (but not while breastfeeding I hope!) Please come by often...there's always enough food to go around! :-)

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